Nil by Mouth

Six Hours Later

From the flight to LA:

Another month, another window seat on American Airlines. Few are as loyal to their frequent flyer programs as me. Not that I have the cojones to finally spend a few of them instead of squirrelling them away like nylons in World War II. But that’s another topic all together. So now I’m on a flight from Newark to LAX. I never leave out of Newark so excitement abounds already. The ticket was a hundred dollars cheaper than the same flight out of JFK. Newark itself has been kind of entertaining so far. It’s December 24th so along with the ticket being cheaper, the airport was quiet yet festive at the same time.

Wandering the terminals was an elderly man in a red and white vertically striped suit playing Christmas music on a tricked out banjo of some sort. What made the spectacle interesting, apart from the suit, the banjo, and the old man, was that the man appeared to be an employee of the airport so he was neatly groomed and not asking anyone for any money. Though that doesn’t sound odd, it actually is. Think about it, smiling live entertainment ambling through the airport corridors just for the heck of it. It’s even a little disconcerting at first. Maybe it’s like an art party expanding to the masses. After my initial confusion I liked it. I ran into him, or more accurately his audible space, several times. Once in the Food Court; in the Borders mini-store; loitering around the J Lo magazines in RELAY. His instrument, song selections, and possibly even vocals could use improvement but otherwise I’m all for meandering airport entertainment.

The other noteworthy even is that there are two clearly straight male flight attendants that are shamelessly flirting with at least half the women on this airplane, myself included. I’m finding it really really amusing. I keep having to stifle giggles into my sweater. They both especially seem to be after this one woman sitting right in front of me. Since I ran out of batteries for my Rio within the first hour, finished both crosswords in American Way magazine, packed a magazine I had already finished by accident, and checked my book in baggage, I need the entertainment.

During the dinner service the cart was loitering in that spot for like a really long time. One of the flirty flight attendants kept making disparaging remarks about the food which was really delighting all the passengers around him. And it really might have been one of the worst airline dinners ever (the worst airline breakfast ever was later provided on the flight back to New York). I wonder if the higher ups knew what he was saying, he’d get in trouble. Clearly all the customers were happy to have someone who was at least honest about how shitty the meal was, even if he couldn’t do anything about it. He later came around with coffee and while handing me a cup declared, “Our world-famous brew” and winked. American’s cofee is especially gross, and I know it all too well. But it gives me a little jolt before landing so i suck it down anyway. It tastes kind of better with a wink though.

I couldn’t tell if either of them ended up getting anywhere with the woman in front of me. I kinda hope so.

• Jan 3