Nil by Mouth

Halloween’s Past

Decided to do the friday five today for no reason except that i’ve got a red wine hangover, and can not seem to get inspired to do anything for a logo i should’ve finished yesterday. But hey the questions are Halloween themed, and i’m a sucker for Halloween themes.

1. What is your favorite scary movie?

I’m not really into horror movies although one Halloween, in 7th or 8th grade maybe, my best friend and i went to this overnight thing at the YMCA where we all watched a half dozen Friday The 13th’s in a row until sunrise. It was fun but i think only for the obsessive nature of it. Otherwise, ehh. I can appreciate the Scream/I Know What You Did Last Summer genre of scary movie. The two scariest movies I’ve ever seen remain forever, Henry, Portrait of a Serial Killer and Dead Ringers.

2. What is your favorite Halloween treat?

Making out in a cab on the way home.

3. Do you dress up for Halloween? If so, describe your best Halloween costume.

Always always. Halloween is my favorite holiday. I am famous far and wide for my pun costumes. It all started sophomore year when this senior girl that i semi-idolized showed up at a Halloween party in a joint costume with her friend. They had on regular clothes with maxi-pads stuck all over them. One girl’s pads were colored in red, the other’s blue. They were Picasso’s Red and Blue Periods. [Pause for laughter]. And i found my calling. Now my treasured reaction to one of my pun costumes is a cocked head wit a puzzled expression. And a few seconds later an, “Ah ha!”

My first pun costume was a Swedish Fish, partly because that year i was addicted to the little suckers. I bought them by the pound in a brown paper bag with meal points. So the costume: I made an enormous sandwich board to wear in the shape of a fish out of foam. I painted eyes and scales and a tail on it. Then i had on a long blonde wig and a ski hat – Swedish. Fish. Get it? I also had a bag of the gummi candy to give out as hints. The next year i put the puns on hold in order to be Jon Bennet Ramsey, post-death. I dressed up in super little-girl frilliness, put on loads of make-up, threw a rope around my neck and painted fake blood coming out of my lip-glossed mouth. It was incredibly tacky. At the Village Halloween Parade that year most people thought it was really funny and visibly felt guilty for laughing. I did actually got booed by one small stretch of sidewalk inhabited by more decent citizens. The best part was when i ran into another Jon Bennet Remsey at the parade. This one was with her real father who was dressed up in a suit with a “Hello My Name is… John Ramsey” tag. Brilliant.

The three years worth of costumes after that are escaping me completely right now. It’s worrisome. The next one i can remember was a real beauty. I was a pink slip. I wore a pink slip of course, and then cut out and pasted the more salient pieces of the “Separation Agreement” i had been handed a few weeks earlier at a now-dead Internet agency. They were words like, non-disparagement clause, and non-compete agreement. With the blonde wig, crocheted tights and black boots, i was also on just this side of trashy.

Last year i was living in Paris, and was in New York as a visitor during Halloween. I came in and had 24 hours or so to throw something together. I had a vision on the plane in: all white clothes, trash taped to myself, spray painted white: white trash. Good concept, marginal execution. I ended up in a borrowed Tyvek suit that was made for a 6’2 man with a pizza problem, so i was drowning in it. And real trash isn’t trashy, it’s dirty. In a bad way. I don’t have to look like a street walker on Halloween, but kinda cute is always good. I changed midweek to a pretty faithful pill-addicted Marylin Monroe. The only way i justify dressing up as a celebrity is when it’s a specific, usually painful, portion of their life.

4. Do you enjoy going to haunted houses or other spooky events?

I used to love the Village Halloween parade, but a couple years ago the fun wore off. Ordinarily i love populous crowd-events and my first few years. The parade was the epitome of what i liked about them, interacting with strangers on the street in a loud and silly way. I really can’t say what changed, but something about it became predictable and totally unoriginal. Now i do parties, preferably free ones. And duh, if i could morph back into an 11 year-old, i’d go trick or treating for ever.

5. Will you dress up for Halloween this year?

Does a cow moo? Of course. This year’s costume came to me with the help of two Long Island friends who were visiting me in my Paris apartment all the way back in January. I’ll be in head to toe black, on black roller skates: a rolling blackout.

• Oct 25