Nil By Mouth

last night a supposed to

last night a supposed to be a blast but was a bust. maybe i’m too sensitive but the world seems to me really really mean. after a disappointing foray out into the world, i came home and found An American in Paris showing on pbs. i couldn’t watch it through the end because i was tired, i really wanted my day to be over, and i really could not believe Gene Kelly was a struggling painter. i have to remember 50s musicals are NOT cinéma vérité. heh. anyway i feel like all the signs from above are pointing me towards defection. but more and more in my heart i want to stay in brooklyn.

so yeah last night. after vacillating on this party for hours, trying on everything in my closet. making 3 “half” costumes – i just went to the thing in a dress i liked. and then the “more-subversive-than-thou door” people would not let up on my not being in costume. i tried to introduce myself, but found myself defending my choice of attire with every breath. how fucking lame is that?! i was searching around for a single friendly face to rescue me but i didn’t recognize the people around me. after about 5 minutes of hassle i turned around and walked back out into the misty night.

i knew i’d regret missing the second one of these, but i couldn’t imagine having to face those awful door people. [sigh] maybe i’m too damn sensitive these days. it’s a bummer though because i think i may have been way wrong about this whole nyc bman community thing. it’s not open and accepting. it’s just as exclusive and judgmental as everything else. i think i oughta be thankful for the nice people i have met and cut my losses.

why can’t it be sunny???

Jun 3
Comments Off

they keep saying it’s june

they keep saying it’s june but all this gloomy damp chilly weather…?

fighting over e-mail is not what it’s cracked up to be either. more on that later…

nice night out with D last night. we saw Farewell, Home Sweet Home (Adieu, plancher des vaches), a french movie with pretty much no plot, no story, no discernable point. i knda liked it tho. it felt like i hung out in paris for the evening. who needs to go to paris when there are 3 hour plotless french movies out there? not me!

on the BAM tip, if you are in nyc don’t miss Nanni Moretti: I Am Self Sufficient , going on for like a month. that guy is so funny. i went on a “date” sorta with this italian guy on my floor freshman year of school and saw Caro Diario which is still one of the funniest movies i’ve ever seen. it’s funny that Jennifer Beals (here’s a errr… flashback) gets top billing in it. she is in the absolute funniest scene yes, but i don’t even think she has speaking lines. anyways i can’t wait to see 20 or 30 more of these lil’ italian gems.

one last BAM item. saw Hamlet on thursday night. man was it long, and dark, and gloomy. but i liked it also. with the exception of the funny italian man (see above) i would like to embark on a dark and gloomy entertainment feast. i may abandon The Way of All Flesh which i just started reading so i can start Darkness at Noon and then The Quality of Hurt : The Autobiography of Chester Himes. all of which should be adequetly dark and gloomy. i am especially interested in Chester Himes whom i really don’t know too much about: a black american writer, 50s-60s era. lived in LA for awhile then moved to paris and finally settled in spain. he has an unapoligetic and unromantic view of race, racism, sex, etc. we’ll see.

with help of some string and 2 pencils, i will be constructing a wearable bull’s-eye.

(i like her)

Jun 2
1,420 Comments

Light of Speed – Substitute

May 31
Comments Off

people are suspiciously nice to

people are suspiciously nice to me these days. people like the receptionists at the trillions of doctors i’ve had to see lately, the pharmacist, the guy next to me on the train this morning… i think i have been developing a pathetical countenance. yes, pathetical is a word, i looked it up. maybe wounded-woodland-creature-like? maybe?

anyway speaking of…

i may have become unconsciously less careful when crossing the street lately. for example i was nearly run over by an ambulance on fulton street on sunday. this was surprisingly not scary. i had to laugh at the thought of being run over by an ambulance. especially since it wasn’t speeding or screaming to get somewhere or anything, just driving down on fulton in no particular rush. i think that would be a pretty decent way to go. does that count as ironic? i never get to use that word right. reminded me of a quote i read recently:

QVOD ME NUTRIT ME DESTRVIT (that which nourishes me destroys me). apparently angelina jolie has that tattooed on her stomach or back or something. i can’t think of a more pure demonstration of that than getting run over by an ambulance.

[btw, there are an insane number of angelina jolie sites out there - i can't get into combing through them to find the most deserving of link. see for yourself]

i went to elementary school with ms. jolie actually (then d.b.a. angie voight). it’s wierd that my elementary school has a website. jeez – when i was there in (i think it was) 6th grade i got an IBM PCjr whose sole purpose, i thought, was to play Summer Games II and, of course
Dr. J vs. Larry Bird One-on-One. oddly enough this is a highly respected game.

ha – the cover really brings back memories.

why don’t nba players wear shorts like that anymore!?!

May 30
Comments Off

F R U S T

F R U S T R A T I O N (part 2)

can’t seem to get the server side include working to pull up the archives.

they’re over there —>

it works locally so it must be somthin with my server. arg.. and blogger is sooo slow right now.

but otherwise the new look is starting to come together! let me know what you think. i had quite a few things to say this weekend, but i need to adjust my voice (read: get the rest of this template working).

in the meanwhile

check out online m.a.s.h. Yes, you read that right.

i’m going to run after the mister softie truck now…

May 30
2,097 Comments

F R U S T

F R U S T R A T I O N

so i worked half the day (and night) sunday redesigning my blog page and before i posted anything, i signed out for absolutely no particular reason. and then i can’t get back in. what the fuck was my pasword?!?! anyway i must’ve asked in the “forget password” section a million times and the e-mail never showed up! arg – it was like being a scorned lover.

check mail -> nothing

anyhoo – luckily i’m cookied at work – gotta hunt through my cookie file and find that fucking password. meanwhile i have like 10 other frustration stories from this weekend.

more later

May 29
Comments Off

Yahoo! Clubs for Expatriates damn

Yahoo! Clubs for Expatriates

damn i love that word…

May 25
Comments Off

ok ok ok lost it

ok ok ok

lost it again for a bit last night. i am feeling slightly better this morning. the day is always better than the night. after the dusk is always a dawn. off the bat i found 3 of the missing bob marley songs. it’s funny on Confrontation (1983) you can totally hear that 80s synthesizer rear it’s ugly head… and that popp-y post disco beat. it’s funny. makes ya wonder if they woulda all graduated to grunge and hip-hop and.. i dunno, whatever “it” is now. i’m only slick enough to get “it” after it’s over [shrug]. what do i care!?!?

ok – so me feeling better. woke up late – walked barely awake to the train and it dawned on me that i could just futz around and wait tables.. start smoking again.. start painting again… i could just maintain 10,000 blogs. maybe i could pick up on my party life of a few years ago and start a real racy site and have adbanners pay my rent. ya think? … yeah me neither. ok but still. i gotta start thinking more about freedom and less about loss. and either way if i just think about things differently…

i know everybody’s already given me this advice but it’s hard to swallow ya know. i absolutely loved being alone in paris before. why wouldn’t i again? what am i afraid of?

i guess i’ll haver to give that some thought. meanwhile what the fuck is up with the insane amount of taxes ya gotta pay o’er there? what are they, fucking commies?

more of me looking at the bright side. i get to be a member of the delightfully witty community of expats. (though the being an expat sounds awfully romantic doesn’t it?