Nil by Mouth

I went to lunch at

I went to lunch at the cheap Turkish restaurant near the office. It’s always good. I like the Turkish place because the food is always better than i expect it to be. I like the crowd, which is half hospital workers, and slightly trashy french high school students. I like hearing the guys shout across the room in Turkish to each other. Because i only spoke Turkish when i was very young, and only really remember it in my early childhood in Orange County, it’s like this childhood secret for me. I am only accustomed to hearing it out of the mouths of people i am related to. When i hear it at the restaurant, i alternately feel like i’m in on a big secret, and someone stole my secret.

The men who work there know i’m Turkish and all have varying degrees of crushes on me. My obvious struggle with both the Turkish and French language only endears me to them further i am guessing. One guy came over and asked me if i wanted a cafe. I said “Non merci”, but a minute later he was back with a cafe and told me it was on him. I thanked him, embarrassed, and caught sight of myself in the mirror. I woke up with my left eye practically swollen shut this morning, it’s still barely open. i scrubbed my face hard in attempt to make my eyes open, so my skin is shiny and a bit raw, from the scrubbing and biting wind today. I’m leaning on the counter next to the table, my head leaning on my folded forearm, my whole body crouched over my book. I have become The Shy Quiet Girl. What do people see in The Shy Quiet Girl? I find her a total bore. Certain men like The Shy Quiet Girl. I am highly suspicious of them. Who wants to talk to someone who has nothing to say in return? And why?

• Feb 11