Nil by Mouth

So every year or so

So every year or so the same stupid thought enters my head: “I’m feeling bored and dumb, maybe i should go back to school”. And then i think, hell why not?! I’ll take the darn GRE and see how i do. And then right on schedule i do about an hours worth of research/surfing and realize it is totally impossible for me to go to grad school. First of all the test itself is 100 bucks. I know in the long run, it’s not a lot, but in the here and now it is a lot. Do you know how much wine 100 USD could buy me? A LOT.

So then i poke around looking at the programs that interest me. Inevitably i download an application to take a look, and then my fate is sealed. There are like six lines for prizes, honors, fellowships honor societies. Errr. Strike 1. Absolutely none. The only thing i’ve “won” in like the last 7 years was a stuffed animal (stuffed with sand i think) at a coney island water-gun-shoot-into-balloon race. Oh wait, my dad won that for me. Rats. Okay zero. Let’s move on.

Next – Two lines for work experience. TWO! What’s up with that? Like all good children of the new economy i’m on my fourth job in three years (fifth if we want to get real technical, but we don’t).

Then three letters of recommendations from all those professors you dazzled as an undergrad. Cough cough. The only professors i made any of an impression on were grad students that i ended up drinking with i’m quite sure. And even those two or three, i’m positive, don’t remember me. I had one printmaking professor whom i actually became close to. But i don’t think a grad program in HCI or economics (my two hair-brained choices) will be so impressed by how well i can wipe ink off etching plates. So nada on the letters of recommendation.

And just for kicks, “From which languages can you translate scholarly materials into English?” Ohh just about all of ‘em.

And then i remember that while in college, i was absolutely positive i never wanted to go to grad school. Or maybe i just convinced myself of that so i would never have to go the extra mile in my coursework, and never try and suck up to or make idle chit chat with professors who were clearly bored with all the undergrads. Or more likely i was just afraid of them.

Oh well, i can’t afford that shit anyway. I’ll be paying off the first round of scholarship for another 13 years.

And really, i just saved myself 100 USD. Wine anyone?

• Dec 14