Nil by Mouth

This is the first night

This is the first night i’ve felt sort of like a normal person in paris. If you happen to notice, i’m trying to start my sentences with capital letters. I stopped doing that for speed’s sake once i got myself involved in this whole internet fiasco. And then i just started liking the way it looked, small letters that is. But now i’m realizing that since you can’t easily double space between sentences in html, it’s damn hard to read. I’m still opposed to capitalizing proper nouns and such. But who knows!? I change my style every other second. let me know if you have an opinion one way or the other, i’m actually interested to know.

So yes, i’ve gotten myself a free internet connection. Shit’s still free on the web in france. Woo hoo. I was in new york this weekend, and man i’m so happy to be here. It was hot and the place stank to high heaven. But more to the point, it is just an amazingly beautiful place here. The whole time i was in the city (note: i always refer to new york city as “the city”. there is just no other “the city”) i felt like i was in a slum or something: The trash on the curbs, the crumbling gargoyles, all the bland 6 story walk-ups. There just isn’t a comparison. My building is like 400 years old! and it’s beautiful! When i first moved to new york from LA, i was at a frat party and met this guy who had just come from london. we were talking about our first impressions of the city.

All i could say was, “It’s so old.”

And he was like, “Really? I find it all so new.”

I get it now. But unlike LA, the city is in utter disrepair. It’s sad, really. Buildings can last; I’ve seen proof.

I also gotten my bed and closet/mirror contraption delivered from ikea today. a couple notes on ikea. First, i went there and of course it is in a huge suburb of paris, which looks like every suburb i’ve seen in the states. Weird. It’s also in Roissy. Which is where the crazy S&M mansion in The Story of O is. What a freakin’ letdown. It’s a huge suburb with six lane streets and no sidewalk! Note two is that the entire store is exactly the same as the one in the states: all the merchandise, every single little pretend kitchen they’ve got. Everything! Except for the prices, those are much lower. heh heh.

So, yes, here i am at home, feeling like a normal human being. When i was back in the city, i visited my old place to see my little kitty and pick up my winter clothes and some odds and ends. It was really traumatic. The subletters have rearranged everything, and i must admit it looks pretty nice. I’ve just got no eye for spatial arrangements. If there’s a job i’d be absolutely the worst at, it’d be interior decorating. But anyway, it looked nice, and it really spooked me. I love that apartment. And being there, seeing that couple all happy and settled took the breath out of me. I sat in the windowsill and thought about everything i had hoped for when i first moved in there. For like a month i thought i had everything. I had the a job that was appropriately challenging and appropriately well-paid, a man i could say anything to, an apartment i loved, i had even quit smoking. And then one by one everything began to fall apart. And sitting there in my apartment that was someone else’s, in a city that was no longer mine… this overwhelming sense of failure came over me. I walked over to the other window in (what used to be) my bedroom and watched the neighborhood kids play basketball. A pastime i unthinkingly made a habit in times of depression, boredom, fatigue, and just plain mind numbing zen. It was hard. They say you should never look back, and i can understand why.

feeling at home, and loving my camera

• Aug 21