Nil by Mouth

Postcard from Los Angeles So

Postcard from Los Angeles

So here i am back in LA waiting for the “cloud cover to burn off” so i can head to the beach. really if it weren’t for the beach here…

now let’s say, me, a new yorker i can truthfully say after having just about rounded out 7 years here, came back to LA and on the first day here were to be crossing the street with her mother, a street is between 2 shopping malls. so let’s just say this new yorker steps on to the sidewalk when a slightly overweight cop in mirrored aviator sunglasses walks over purposefully and asks in his best crime-fighting voice, “I need to see ID for both of you ladies.” The two “ladies” keep walking because neither can see his eyes behind his mirrored aviator sunglasses and he can’t possibly be stopping 2 innocent shoppers just looking for a worthy store to support the economy in. But no, he is talking to them. he comes closer and when the 2 realize it they ask “what? why?.” “You two just jaywalked and that is against the law.” if you heard that story, it would be so cliche that it wouldn’t even be funny anymore. i mean they probably cut it out of LA Story for being too obvious.

i got a fucking ticket for jaywalking yesterday. jaywalking on a street that is in between two malls. TWO MALLS! and the cops were just sitting in the parking lot waiting for people to ticket. i was in such disbelief at first that i forgot my proper cop-etiquette. i was just like, “you are fucking kidding. can’t we just get, like, a warning”, and i was laughing. wrong wrong wrong. you can’t laugh at cops, you have to remind them that they are big strong powerful men who are protecting helpless big-breasted women from the terrors of the city. then they might let you off. but while he was taking an hour to write me a ticket, i regained my senses and stood silently with a pained and remorseful expression on my face. my mother, frozen the whole time, didn’t have her drivers license. after the hour of ticket writing (I mean come on there are like 6 blanks on the pad, how hard can it be?)i asked in a begging-for-mercy-from-a-big-strong-copper voice, “Can i just get the ticket? It was all my idea.” I realized after it came out of my mouth that the partially sarcastic, “It was all my idea” part was betraying the part a bit, but luckily he either didn’t notice, didn’t care, or didn’t have a clue how to write a ticket for someone without ID. anyway, clemency was granted for mom.

if it weren’t for the beach…

other signs telling you you are in LA:

- the weather girl is wearing a cutoff baby tee and stilletos

- they now have one of those snaking roped off lines for ice blended mochas at the coffee bean & tea leaf

more later..

• Jul 9