Nil by Mouth

last night a supposed to

last night a supposed to be a blast but was a bust. maybe i’m too sensitive but the world seems to me really really mean. after a disappointing foray out into the world, i came home and found An American in Paris showing on pbs. i couldn’t watch it through the end because i was tired, i really wanted my day to be over, and i really could not believe Gene Kelly was a struggling painter. i have to remember 50s musicals are NOT cinéma vérité. heh. anyway i feel like all the signs from above are pointing me towards defection. but more and more in my heart i want to stay in brooklyn.

so yeah last night. after vacillating on this party for hours, trying on everything in my closet. making 3 “half” costumes – i just went to the thing in a dress i liked. and then the “more-subversive-than-thou door” people would not let up on my not being in costume. i tried to introduce myself, but found myself defending my choice of attire with every breath. how fucking lame is that?! i was searching around for a single friendly face to rescue me but i didn’t recognize the people around me. after about 5 minutes of hassle i turned around and walked back out into the misty night.

i knew i’d regret missing the second one of these, but i couldn’t imagine having to face those awful door people. [sigh] maybe i’m too damn sensitive these days. it’s a bummer though because i think i may have been way wrong about this whole nyc bman community thing. it’s not open and accepting. it’s just as exclusive and judgmental as everything else. i think i oughta be thankful for the nice people i have met and cut my losses.

why can’t it be sunny???

• Jun 3