Nil by Mouth

Secret Search Notes

It’s so 1999, but I admit it. I still look at my site statistics and my search strings. Today I came upon the very best search string ever. Better than, “6th grade essay with ironic conclusion“. It’s better than “I hate group work“, “being the only white outsider“, or “dirty simpons pics” [sic].

It was, “neille I love you“.

It was so sweet, like a secret note passed during class. Or anonymous flowers on my doorstep. No one has ever left anonymous flowers on my doorstep or anywhere. I’ve received flowers on exactly two occasions (besides as party gifts). Both were apology-flowers. Apology-flowers, while they might work for their specific purpose, are not memorable. A girl doesn’t look back upon them and think, “What a dream that guy was.” It’s more like, “Man, that prick thought stopping off at the deli would make it okay that he [cheated on me/is married/took me for granted for the last 2 months/forgot my birthday/passed out in my lap on the subway on our third date].”

In fact I’ve taken to buying myself flowers every Saturday morning because I’ve given up on any man ever doing it for me (for credit or as a secret hero). In any case, I like buying flowers for myself. The deli guys always get all soft and mushy when they sell flowers. I don’t know why, but the usual scowl is replaced by only a short grunt. It’s fun to take them home (the flowers, not the deli guys!). One must resist the urge to cradle the bouquet under one’s left arm and do the Miss-America wave with her right. Arranging them is also fun, once you get into the spirit. I like to collect old branches and twigs from the park as garnish. Trimming off dead leaves or petals throughout the week is also nice. Can you tell I need a pet?

Anyway, thank you to my secret searcher. It made my day. It’s been a long time since I heard the big three. I love you too!

• Mar 4