Sitting Through The Whole Thing!

Today Gina and I hit the open road and drove out to Joshua Tree in the desert. It’s the part of the west that I love best. Vast arid empty spaces. Room to think. Wildlife that defies imagination…

But I came back tonight to the city of angels full force – cell phones, and the Grammys lighting up the Staples Center like a big lopsided green hubcap. I usually can’t sit through it. Notoriously the most boring awards show, The Grammys are more predictable than my sour old grandpa. But the combination of Prince opening the show and watching it with my dad made it unusually interesting. Not to worry, I was still able to correctly pick nearly every winner, even the country ones. My dad refused to get me something for my amazing prescience.

In any case, I almost never write posts about television. If you keep reading you’ll probably see why, but the laptop was in front of me. I’m supposed to be working on a piece for the newspaper. And things turned out in such a way…

Just some of my PMS-induced opines:

Prince – I miss you, you look hot, come back, come back

Beyonce – a little overexposed no? And I’m not talking about the dress, it’s the bad movies, the Diane Sawyer interviews, the Feria commercials, sending a clone into the Black Eyed Peas Performance…

Andre 3000 – That’s why we’re getting married

White Stripes – I was trying to explain their popularity to my dad. The best I could do was, “Well.. I don’t know.. people really like them.. umm.. I don’t know..umm..”

Aerosmith – were they in soft focus again?

Justin Timberlake – I want to think you’re cool but you keep acting like damn pussy. Are you running for president or are you a pop star. Just own it.

Joan of Arcadia – at 15, has she ever heard a Carole King song?

Alicia Keys – I’m still unimpressed. My dad: “She’s got great teeth. I mean great teeth!”

Celijne Dion – Was it the sound forcing her to make those facial expressions, or was the microphone reacting to her paranormal face contortions.

Madonna – Yawn.

Sting – God, go away already.

Christina Aguilara – I maintain that she is the only famous person that’s actually happy.

Yoko – I like you but you are so so strange – but stranger still is the parading of the tearful widows. It made me sad, in a bad-sad way for how creepy the music industry is.

Black Eyed Peas – How’d that girl turn into Beyonce like that? Do they sell it at GNC?

How many lifetime achievement awards are there? Was that what that gilded envelope I spilled Coors Light all over was?

50 Cent – Yeah you shoulda won it, but there wasn’t a chance in hell. Actually they probably made a typo when writing Sting out on the Best New Artist nomination form.

Earth, Wind and Fire – They musta been really excited not to be at another PBS pledge drive. And it showed.

Outkast – Please please please make your next album together again.

Samuel Jackson – How you pulled that cornball shit off, I don’t know. But it friggin worked.

Robert Randolph – Who are you? What is that you’re playing? And can I have some?

Parliament – Aw Jeez, I think you’re all too old, except Bootsy. Bootsy no too old.

Snoop & Jason Alexander – Yes.

Except Coldplay – I didn’t pick that one, but my dad was asleep already so shhhh. And of course only the Brits are not so weenie as to stay apolitical at a time when Rove & Co. are destroying/selling this country and the world.

Foo Fighters, Osbornes, Etc – Getting very very sleepy. Why so long, this show? Why so long?

So many commercials – so sleepy. May not finish this time either…

Richard Marx & Luther – No way. I had no idea. An odd odd pair, no? Or am I hopelessly uninformed?

Digital downloading and music education in schools. Nice. You taking lessons from Bush’s state of the union address. What about the evils of steroids and life on Mars? I can’t fucking take anymore. I think I may not be able to forgive Dre for showing up.

Outkast – A predictable win. I appreciate that they were apart but together. And I still hope they will be together together next time. Maybe? Dre’s performance – ok. I mean it’s a good song but hasn’t it been on every awards show and half the movie trailers in the English-speaking world? I couldn’t even shake it, not much anyway.

Comments are closed.