Prick-of-the-Week

Yesterday I wanted to take a picture of myself, outside in my bikini with my headphones on peering at my new laptop in the southern cali sun, but then I realized I couldn’t see shit on the LCD screen when it’s that bright out, there’s no way in hell I want to document myself in a bikini (2 sizes 2 big cuz it was in sale at old navy for a buck fitty), and it was terribly narcissistic. But I tell you about it because it’s the thought that counts. Only in LA will you eavesdrop on the conversation next to you and hear, “Fuck I’m glad it’s cloudy. I’m so fucking sick of all this sun.”

I had a brief argument with my mother yesterday when I told her if I saw one more bare midriff I was going to puke in my sugarfree soy latte. She kept trying to convince me that it was my problem, and why couldn’t I live and let live when it came to ladies in low rise jeans and belly shirts. And I said yes it is my problem, and I can’t fucking stand it. And it’s like once you notice the ubiquitousness of the belly, you just can’t stop seeing them everywhere. I’ll be honest, I was impressed when Aaliyah shook her teeny hips, and I even let it slide for Brittany and Christina, but it’s freaking boring already girls. Boring. Look around – half the grandmas in LA are showing off their navel rings for chrissakes. It’s time to move on. But anything that allows people to flaunt their thousand dollar gym memberships is going to last for another century in LA. Women still wear biker shorts for peet’s sake. Which I say are a whole lot cooler than the current stomach obsession.

In other news I’ve been trying to keep myself entertained during my two week sojourn in the west, but I’m getting a wee bit bored and a wee bit homesick. My roadtrip is not materializing, neither is any shining realization about where I want to live. It’s nice out here, sunny, pleasant, but there are a lot of annoying people with a lot of annoying ideas about what’s important (flat belly) and what’s not (decent gas mileage). I’ve been seeing at least a half a dozen H2s a day, and in my non mobile state that’s a lot. What better way to advertise you’re an asshole than in a 10 MPG tank taking you and your beach chair to the beach you keep polluting.

If it seems I have a lot of anger here in my sunny LA digs, you are right. But I blame it not on my exact location but on the general state of the world. I have and do find as many things to bark about in New York. Here it’s just that the targets practically beg for it. Like the Lincoln Navigator with an American flag collage painted on it. Are you fucking kidding? Isn’t somebody out there giving out asshole tickets or prick-of-the-week awards? Maybe that’s my new calling. And don’t get me started on the governor recall…

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