Nil by Mouth

So it’s sorta been a

So it’s sorta been a bum weekend as weekends go. Sunday evenings are always difficult, what with staring down another week of work like it’s the barrel of a gun, and the added difficulty of how little daylight the winters provide here. Retribution for the 10pm sunsets in july i suppose.

I went for some exploration in Pigalle and Montmarte today. There are certain streets that i am just sort of drawn too. I was pondering what was it about these certain streets, and i realized they are the streets that are narrow and have trash on the sidewalks and in the gutters. I also remember pointing out one such street to my mom when she was here, and she said “That’s cause this street looks like it could be in New York”. Hmm.

Otherwise, it was just sort of grey and gloomy, and i’m beginning to feel a bit apprehensive about how much time i spend online. I mean i like the web, i really like it. But is it kind of unhealthy? Isolating maybe? Am i missing some sort of life-changing Paris experience by spending so many evenings a week with my head in my laptop? There must be others out there that have had a similar dilemma. I waffle between thinking that the connection it provides me to my old life in New York keeps me from getting too lonely, and then having the sneaking suspicion that maybe this connection to my old life is keeping me at arms length from my new one. Hmm.. I really don’t know. What do you think? Then again, i think to myself, i do do quite a bit here. I have this gnawing need for deeper relationships than i’ve found here so far, but of course i’ve had that feeling in New York many many times. Right. Right?

I didn’t come here for a life-changing experience. I mostly came so i wouldn’t have to face being unemployed in the dwindling economy of New York. And from that angle, it’s proved to be the right decision. I don’t handle indefinite unemployment very well. Anyway life changing, and the thrill of living in Paris weren’t really part of it. But this is hard to convey to most people i know. Most people have the totally understandable reaction of “You lucky bitch.” And to be honest, there are certainly those moments where i look around me, and something particularly french and beautiful strikes me and i *am* utterly amazed at my luck. Those moments happened a lot in the beginning, but they are sort of few now. I guess the novelty’s worn off. Mostly i am just trudging along with life now. Everyone says the period between the novelty and the fitting-in are truly difficult. Knowing this helps a little, but it is a very real fear for me that the fitting-in is just never going to happen.

And i do feel this certain pressure to have a life-changing experience. I asked my friend Ethan if it would ruin my street cred’ if i came back before a year was up. He said no but i didn’t believe him. Anyway it would ruin my street cred’ with myself which is what counts, right? And more to the point, i ain’t goin back without either a job or at least 10 grand in the bank. Neither of which could plausibly happen before March. And then i have a few excursions planned for April. And by that point maybe i’ll fit in, and if i don’t i can certainly suck it up for 2 more months for the sake of my reputation. Well there’s the rationalization anyway. I feel better already. Really, i do feel better. Who needs a shrink when you have a blog?

• Nov 25