So last night i managed

So last night i managed to be really stupid. Really really stupid. You know when you wake up in the morning, you wipe the sleep from your eyes and then you remember what happened? Then you grab the alarm clock, pull it out of the wall socket, slide it to the other side of the room, wrap yourself completely in your comforter, and try to sink your head so far down in the pillow that it swallows you whole with no one being the wiser?

Ok, only happens to me? Great.

Well let’s have the good news first. My DSL connection is officially up and running – yee haw! At some point my french bank account will run out of money and they’ll pull the plug, but until that sad day i’ll be downloadin’ mpegs like a god-damn 13 year-old boy.

Speaking of 13 year old boys, i am pretty positive my whole stupidity disease stems from the fact that i haven’t got any action in basically forever. It is beginning to affect my brain. Now, if the only goal were to find a willing and warm body with a woody, things would be pretty simple. But unfortunately we chicks don’t work that way, at least not the ones i know. There’s gotta be some sort of emotional or cerebral attraction. Not necessarily relationship material, but some sort of somethin. So yes i have entirely too much in common with a 13 year old boy right now. I’ve got sex on the brain. Yet when a french guy starts to flirt with me i get really embarrassed and freeze up. See, 13 year old boy.

I can’t express myself in french with any confidence; i just feel naked without my amazing wit and charm (heh heh). I’m ignorant of this whole “language of love” thing. I mean how you gonna like someone without exchanging fiery remarks? This whole alone thing was fine in brooklyn where i was cynical enough to know how everything with anyone would end up. And if i was feeling real needy in that way i could either flirt with abandon and calm myself down, or check in with an old standby somewhere. Here it is so damn romantic, everyone seems to be on their goddamn honeymoon. And i have 0 standby’s.

So me stupid last night. Slightly sauced up and started shit with the ex, aka guy-i-used-to-date-who-doesn’t-like-to-be-called-an-ex-because-it’s-more-complicated-than-that. (I’m gonna get reamed for that comment, oh screw it). So yeah i started shit, as i always do. Probably because i was lonely, or frustrated with our interminable daily aim flirting, or just because i have this 13 year old boy disease i’ve been telling you about. I crave stability and boundries, yet i move continents every other second and i have not a single “definable” relationship with any male outside my family.

I woke up, after dreaming about cuddling with a really scrawny sys admin guy in the office (wtf?), with the pieces of the evening’s AIM session puting themselves back together in a horrifying way. At some point les asked to continue when i was more sober. Me proud (and drunk, of course) said “i am not drunk and i mean everything i am saying.” Funny, i meant it at the time. I really did.

This time i’m legitamately stumped. Am i too weak or too stubborn? Will it hurt more later if i let things go like now? Will things find a stasis naturally? All of this would be a lot easier to swallow if there was a scrawny sys admin guy cuddling with me, i think…

and what the hell is wrong with my template?!?!?

Comments are closed.