Nil by Mouth

yes, i have been suspiciously

yes, i have been suspiciously absent lately.

yes, i’ve been sorta busy with my move.

the subletter came to pick up the keys and tie up loose ends today. she took a look at my room and blurted out,

“and you’re gonna be ready to leave on monday?”

i tried to explain that they were special “laundry piles.” i don’t think she bought it. i don’t think i did either.

so i’m back from LA tanned, mellowed, and parented. after my jaywalking rant, i had a pleasant exchange with josho about the love-hate relationship one feels with her city. josh’s got alotta ideas about the city of angels. check it out. maybe we’ll change our minds… i have been half-considering going back to the west coast when i let my mind wander out into crazy-land.

so i mostly haven’t written because i am so jittery about my move, that if i am not eating or sleeping i feel like i have to be doing something in relation to it. blogging? does that count?

while laying on the beach (i loooove the beach! let me count the reasons:

1. warm sand in between your toes

2. sound of the water + kids + faint radio sounds + your own breathing sounds

3. everybody’s equal at the beach

4. reminded that nobody’s body looks remotely like anyone on the cover of Self. (even in LA. it’s true. swear.)

5. you are supposed to do nothing, except maybe read

6. much thinking is possible )

soooo, while laying on the beach, i came up with a trillion things i need to make my page even more fabulous. as soon as i get settled in my new city, i’ll experiment.

if you are in montreal – you cannot miss Picasso Erotique. it was in paris, but not anymore. but maybe now that i’m some sort of jetsetter i can catch it in barcelona. it looks like a really great way to spend a saturday afternoon… and lead into saturday night and then maybe all day sunday… hmm..

i do know one hepcat in montreal. and it looks like he’s got his weblog up and running. take a peek.

~~

this is transcribed from a delta napkin on flight 88 (JFK to LAX):

on the plane. in an aisle seat. in the middle row. third from last row. sitting in the midst of a french family on vacation (oh the french, will they never relent?) The three kids are in the row behind. the father is next to me, the mother is next to him. he has the stale aroma of a smoker which wafts over to me every minute or so.

i read a nice story in Harper’s (i fucking LOVE Harper’s). It’s by Steven Millhauser. It had that sort of resonance where the language or the writing style work to shape my thoughts for the next while. Toni Morrisson does this to me for weeks. I like it.

in the story a woman is giving a tour of her house to a prospective buyer while recounting her husband’s adultery, her subsequent freak-out, and finally his death in a car accident. it’s a pretty sad story. well written. but sad.

i had an evening with JL last night. we haven’t seen eachother in months and, it seems, we have been going through similar emotions. mine being mainly reconciling traumatic events with the inevitability of time.

[ Note: a girl at the 4th of july party told me that the Aztecs use a verb for the word time. that's very hard to get your mind around, right? ]

so reading this story put a fine point on

my slump

my funk

and

my general malcontent

being sad elicits comments, well-meaning as they might be, like “it could be worse.” which was just the worst thing to say. because you know, i know, of course it could be worse. in fact, it will in all likelihood be worse at some point. and then? and then what? and i think to myself,

“i can’t handle the completely anticipated demise of a 6 month diversion. i can’t handle the loss of a stinky internet job. so what will happen when my husband of 24 years tells me he’s cheating on me? or what about when he dies? or what about when my parents do?? what then? could it be possible that i’d be too crazy to be in an institution? could i just disolve into a puddle of lunatic on the floor? what?”

and that’s some scary thoughts.

maybe heavy on the drama, i know. but there are reasons that i’ve been a mess. it’s not just because i’m a lunatic. which i am. i’m better now though.

JL thinks i’m a substance abuser. i find this funny. it’s hard to tell who’s deluded. i really haven’t thought twice about my self-medication. it’s all been legally prescribed, FDA approved.

[ Note: isn't it funny how new areosmith videos are in soft focus? ]

• Jul 13