Nil by Mouth

so it has been a

so it has been a crazy morning because at about noon i just decided to decide and i decided to fucking-go-to-france! (and yes that deserves an exclamation point). a scary big wild crazy adventure… maybe? i will load up on zyban too – so maybe i can possibly maybe not start smoking again (i know, not bloody likely). so i’ve been sending off various e-mails alerting the family and friends, as well as work folks…

the biggest reason for me to go is to get away from new york city, even if it turns out to be for just a short while. I can not believe that in september it will be 7 years that i’ve been here. that is an awfully long time. i’ve turned from a kid into an adult here (and perhaps back and forth a few times after that..). most all my “first”s happened in the few square miles of manhattan.

my friend’s mom says that nyc is like a bad husband: it treats you awful most all the time, but you keep going back because when he’s good, he’s so amazingly good. like the first day of spring, like when you have a train conductor with a great voice, like when you hear an amazing band/dj just because you were thirsty and that was the first place that was open. but mostly he treats you like dirt. is it worth it? might be. i haven’t decided. maybe this will help me to decide. i’ve met amazing people here for sure. but i’m that breed of naive who thinks that most people are amazing, if you let them be.

i know everyone says you can’t get away from yourself, but in a way i think i can. i said to R yesterday that things just aren’t exciting to me anymore. if i leave maybe they will be again. or maybe i won’t care. or maybe i will have had enough.

i leave partly because of L too. because something about that whole mess made “sad” pop out of every street corner. and i don’t know what i’ve learned or how i’ve grown from that; apart from maybe recognizing that nothing short of a universe exists in the psyche of another human being. and it takes great caring to build bridges between us. the kind of caring that some people might not be capable of. and that is very sad. how will leaving help that? i don’t know. but i think it might. maybe in a culture older than ours, one which doesn’t package everything in plastic and tack the word “Disposable” in front of every noun, real caring comes more naturally. maybe deeper relationships are formed there. and maybe i just won’t be reminded of him all the time.

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in other news, i’ve started playing tennis again, and that feels good. i think i have become a much better player now than i was in high school (when i played for 3 hours everyday) for 2 reasons. first i’ve let go of that serious competitiveness that actually just made me choke a lot. and second, i have a lot more anger now which translates into some pretty powerful strokes.

i can’t seem to find a tennis partner that begins and ends on the tennis court, though. last summer’s tennis partner is relentless in trying to get me to go out with him (which will never happen, ever, ever ever) and i’ve told him so in those words exactly. but i saw him on the court yesterday and we have a play-date today. the new one asked me to a movie last week and dinner last night – both of which i surreptitiously turned down. but what the fuck? must be something about kicking a guy’s ass that makes him all hot and bothered or something… EWW. cause that’s certainly not happening to me off the court. (EWW again)

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work quote of the day:

Going to work sort of reminds me of in-school suspension. You don’t have to go to class, but you still have to show up.

-me

• Jun 19