Nil by Mouth

Yesterday was pretty terrible. At

Yesterday was pretty terrible. At work they (that’s the “they” that gets to fuck up your life at will) have decided to shut down all development in New York by July 31. I was lucky to get an offer to work in the Paris office instead. It seems fabulous at first, but the pay is shit. “They” say that cost of living is much lower in France. I am skeptical. I am also skeptical about them picking up any relocation expense. Also I just moved into an apt I love and I finally started decorating and making into a real place. Plus my French isn’t very good, I won’t have any friends and I will probably be even lonelier than I am in NYC, which is a very scary thought.

Ok – so instead of moving I could look for another job here in the city. That is a pretty scary thought also considering how thin this whole web industry has become.

But the thing is I am really sad about my job. I’ve left places before but I was always ready to go. This time it’s like someone died. The people I worked with, our stupid little web application, I mean my fucking heart is in that software. And it was all finally starting to come together. I can’t imagine leaving it like this. I can work up until the end of July I suppose but it won’t be the same. I can’t imagine what it’s going to be like on Monday. And I really really can’t imagine starting this shit all over again.

So last night after a coupla beers, no lunch and no dinner, I pretty much lost it. My poor mother is on a plane right now from LA to make sure I don’t off myself I think. But I’m really glad she’s coming actually. I am so not able to deal with being an adult. I mean, after L. I never want to date again and after this job I never want to work again. I mean how many times are you supposed to get your heart ripped out? I fucking can’t do this once a year. It’s like everything is so temporary; it can just disappear with one meeting, one conversation, one broken promise. It could be worse, at least I have my sweet mom who loves me so much. The thing is, it’s supposed to get easier, you’re supposed to build walls around yourself, get thicker skin, that’s what they say, right? Well it only gets worse for me somehow. Every disastrous relationship hurts more than the ones before it… put together. And I can’t fucking take it. I’m not in lunatic-crying-mode right now – but I am in despair.

• May 19